Friday, December 29

goodbye

I feel like from the last time I wrote up to this day, I have been to the moon and back. I had the most incredible roller coaster ride of my life. I had been the happiest and loneliest person in 6 months. I wish to write more, but at this point I am just stunned. I am thankful that it happened –at least it happened. And the next time I’ll ever say goodbye, I wish to do it because I wanted to, not because I had to.

This will be my last entry.

Thursday, October 12

moving

I have just moved out. In my mind I feel it’s more than just moving to a new place.

Moving on… yeah…more like it.

Well I’m talking as if I’m coming from a troubled past. Ang drama ko talaga kahit kelan.

Guess I’ve a tendency to be a just that… (I beg your indulgence.)

Anyways, what I’m merely trying to say is that moving to a new place means to me like a fresh start.

I’ve awfully been negative about my life and things the past months and I would really like to do things differently from now on.

I mean, these days, I can sleep without a wrinkle in my face.

Well I tell myself this is exactly how I should be in the first place.

Having good things in life like my family, my friends, my job and mahal (and a handful of beautiful dreams with him), what more can I ask for?




Wednesday, October 4

faith

I talk of resilience and faith but I waver whenever I find myself immersed in hot water. I must have overrated myself.

Or maybe I have grown backwards?

I remember the time when I’ve faith that could move mountains. And a positive attitude that could outshine the sun.

Now I find myself worrying non-stop. Looking from outside my fence and wondering why their grass is better.

It’s terrible, that at the end of the day, much of what I could think of are the things I could have done differently. Even my prayers are more questions than prayers.

Was it Oprah that once said, “If the only prayer you have said in your entire life is thank you, then that should be enough?”

I don’t know if I make sense right now. But I know that this should end.







Saturday, September 30

shaken

Yesterday was an extraordinary experience for me. Extraordinary in quite a frightening way.

When typhoon Milenyo was hurling its fury in the metro, I was out on the streets, trying to get myself home.

I saw for myself how the wind tore into the trees and the billboards and the many ‘yero’ flying everywhere. I felt how the wind tore into me, pushing my 43-kilo body back and forth…I was running against the wind, against the rain and I couldn’t even use my umbrella because the wind was only gonna take it away. I experienced desperation to find a safe place where no breaking glasses would hit me. I experienced being stranded, waiting for hours for a ride home. I experienced walking through the flood. I actually experienced fearing for my dear life.

You might think I’m overreacting but I honestly thought to myself, what if I die? I’ll die miserably. My death would be part of the casualties of the storm and it would be on the national papers, and my parents would be devastated. Mahal would totally break down.

It sounds a bit dramatic but the possibility was close.

What was making me weak inside was the thought that I was alone going through all that. Mahal wasn’t by my side. He was at work and the worst part was that I disobeyed him. He insisted that it wasn’t safe to go outside, but I didn’t listen. While I was in one of the bus that I was in, I was fighting the longing to pour all my fears into tears. Why hadn’t I listen? Why do I always have to be stubborn?

I looked at other people, ocean of people on the streets all damp like me, all scared… Made me feel more alone.

I wanted to really cry. I was in the bus, all damp and shivering but I tried so hard to hold myself up and think of home. That I could be home in a matter of hours. I kept assuring myself I could do it. I was praying non-stop.

This happened around 12 noon. At about 2 pm, the storm died down. Around 5 pm, I was home. It was impossible to reach Mahal in the office, nor my family’s phone in Bicol, but at least I was home.

I was safe.

Mostly, I was thankful.

Yesterday was an extraordinary experience for me. Extraordinary in a way that I would never forget.

Wednesday, September 27

arrgh

it's still the issue about discontent. i guess it's really never-ending. being human, they say its basic instict. but then i see other people living in simplicity and yet they're happy.
i would die to be on their shoes.

Tuesday, September 26

multiply

do check out my multiply account : www.maluwees.multiply.com

homecoming

two weeks ago, we went home to meet the parents. i met his family. he met mine. he had lunch over our house. i spent an entire day in their farm. in my thoughts, the meeting was to be really intimidating. but when i saw his mom, i knew i had been exaggerating.

she was the best. (not to be sipsip or anything, but she stands out from among my (ex) boyfriend's mommies i have met in the past. (plus the really exciting part that she was goin to be my mommy soon).

his sis was nice too. his dad was funny. his lolo has been really warm. no doubt he's a very good boy (hehe). it runs in the family.

it wasnt the hostile house i have imagined.

it was in fact a very friendly place. i loved the farm, the trees, the pigs, the pond, the nipa hut, the dogs, the cats, the love birds, the doves, the orchids, the 'duyan', his mom's paksiw.

it was a great homecoming.

some pics:
farmers
up on the avocado tree
lunchdate
sway my way
bahay-kubo
babe
fields of gold