Wednesday, May 31

ex stories

I find myself absorbed in one of Raven’s post about ex talks. It suddenly revived thoughts about Ex #5 again, albeit this time, allow me to say that mentioning his name doesn’t anymore hurt as it used to.

I found myself in a similar situation just last Saturday (although people who were talking about my ex definitely knew he was my ex. As I told you, I was invited to this pool party of my former company (where Ex# 5 works).

The good news was that it was a gathering of purely Finance people (my ex was in Sales), so I was pretty secure I wouldn’t have to face the awkward feeling of bumping into him, who quite possibly would be walking with his current flame (as the new girl happens to be also one of my former colleagues— ahh, the world is absolutely getting smaller & smaller).

I don’t really mind seeing them together.

But when I think about how people around would start teasing me and him and her and make a feast out of our circumstance, that’s when I tell myself I’d be better off invisible. People there could be really merciless.

Anyway Raven’s question goes:

What do you do when people are starting to talk about your ex?

I think I’d like to revise it a bit.

What would you rather hear people say about your ex? The good or the bad?

Hmmn..

The bad things make me look like a loser (for putting up with another loser) while the good things make me feel like it was my loss after all

.It’s like wherever I choose to stand, I’d never win.

When my friends rage about my ex’s eternal discontent with girls, it upsets me. To use Raven’s words, “It seems like a poor reflection on my choice of men”.

It makes me look pathetic, and desperate. Like a smart girl who dropped her wits somewhere.

They’d look at me with questioning eyes “have you actually run out of men?” Then as if it weren’t enough, one would have to add “I wouldn’t take him even if he were the last man on earth”.

The worst comment somebody ever had about my ex was that he was a “pokpok” (prostitute). Like if he ever sees a post with a skirt, he’d definitely go for it.

Then I heard something like, “Do you have a medicine or something, I think it’s already a disease (he was referring to my ex who was flirting with another girl again).

How bad could that be, hearing people especially my close friends talk that way about my ex. I’m thinking if words were daggers, my ex would have been murdered, bloody and unrecognizable by now.

But you see, more than the disgust they feel, I hate the way they take pity on me. Like I was a victim or something. Like I was a fool or worse.

From the start everybody was warning me against him, his notoriety for being a perpetual flirt.

But I honestly fell in love with him, and I could swear I’ve been the happiest when we were together.

People tease me, that love is blind.

It wasn’t the case for me. My eyes were wide open. It was just a case of being able to see past his imperfections and accept him for who he was.

It didn’t matter to me that he had a squeaky voice, or that he never knew his father, or that he looked funny when he plays basketball, or that he doesn’t wear perfume (except when I gave him one on his birthday, and another when we broke up) or that he had a frightening temper or that his surname sounds like an antibiotic (which would make me Mrs. Antibiotic in the future).

What I truly cared about was that he made me feel loved.

Then one day he decides he’s changed his mind.

It was the most painful thing a man can ever do to the woman he claims he loves.

My friends wouldn’t say it, but the kind of expression they all wore says something like “we told you so”. Or “You should be grateful you didn’t have to suffer for long”. Or “Blessing in disguise”.

I couldn’t agree at first.

I remember the song “I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else” and the more I play it in my mind, the more certain I had become, that I can well put up with anything just to keep his love.

Then he goes back to his ex of 4 years. Their photo says “Together forever and never to part”. In between that, he was also trying his charm on another ex-colleague. Then after 3 months, he falls in love with another former colleague.

I didn’t want to believe my friends were right. But they were right.

Having people say ill things about him makes losing him worth it, I thought. But if it’s worth it, why does it upset me?

On the other hand when I hear people comment about his behavior towards his recent girl “He treats her like a princess”. Or “He’s so in love right now”. Or “He’s changed.” Or “This is it”, I get confused.

Somehow I hear a little voice in my mind wishing it could have been me. It’s like every good thing I hear about him makes me think I wasn’t good enough to be given up over someone better.

But that’s if I were to be selfish.

I think more than anything, I should be happy for him.

Seeing that he’s changed now would certainly make losing him worth it.

Yeah. I think I’ve an answer to that.

I’d rather hear people say good things about him.



happiness

happiness is...
having a family to go home to a soul sistah and a brother best friends you can count on to make you smile to make you laugh.

photos taken: Finance Outing.May 27 '06. Club Manila East, Rizal

Monday, May 29

weekend report

I’m burnt.

We’re seeing the last days of summer, but it looks like it’s gonna stay on my face for a while.

For a minute I got worried there. I was examining my reflection on a mirror on our way home from another pool party and I was like, “is it a toasted bread staring back at me or what?”

I cannot imagine myself wearing yellow and gold on July 1st, my close friend Sahlee’s wedding day, (and would you believe, my first time to become a bridesmaid). I’ve a feeling it would require more than the papaya soap and cream and stuffs, or else I’d be living the dream of a walking toasted bread.

I said for a minute because thinking of how much fun I had under the sun, I’d burn again, if I had to.

So now my weekend report:

Saturday

Pool party.
Club Manila East, Rizal.

I’ve no affection for pools. Told you there’s something limiting about it. Plus that uninviting smell of chlorine & urine & saliva & sweat & other gross items that go round and round and round. A couple of times I was able to gulp some and I thought I was going to die *puke*.

Anyway, it was my former company’s outing, and I couldn’t resist the invitation (plus the fact that everything was for free).

It felt good to be with the same people I’ve had the chance to be with for three years.

It’s like a warm feeling of knowing you’re home.

New experiences for me:

1. Kayak under the scorching sun.
2. The 3-storey spiral slide that made me laugh instead of shout thinking how close I was to that TV ad where the girl had dry skin so she wouldn’t slide down. I wasn't even moving. Imagine my embarassment when people were already wondering where I've been. Haha.

Here are some pics:
ek-ek and me
pretty girls ...

before goin home

At 5 pm we had to pack up. Bitin, I thought. I was hoping we’d still have the night to share stories and catch up on each other’s lives.


Night time

Maybe I wasn’t the only one thinking we barely had the chance to talk.

Around 7 pm we went to Starbucks in Metrowalk.

Stories, stories, stories.

And the rain just poured like a madman. It was pretty scary but the coffee never tasted that good. Plus some Marlboro reds. A bit strong, but it was raining anyway.

Oh. My life is blessed!

Sunday

I’ve been busy the past weeks, and I thought it was just the perfect time to stay in bed and make up for lost sleep, do some laundry, watch the BUZZ, play with the cat (at least she’s slowly getting back to her senses, after the trauma).

I only went out to buy food and hear Sunday mass.

My face still burns, but it was worth it.
Another great weekend.







Friday, May 26

cats and thoughts

You might think this is petty but I think I owe it to the cat to tell you her story. What happened to her I think was a real tragedy, and I totally empathize with her. And this perhaps explains my extraordinary kindness to the cat these past few days.

Take last night for example, I wasn’t really very keen on having fish for dinner but I had to settle for that. I was concerned about the cat, whom I’ve established wasn’t much of a meat lover, so the cat and I had a fish party.

She seemed very pleased.

That was the least I could do.

She just lost her three kittens.

It was probably last Sunday, I heard her screaming like a crazy woman. Think about Sisa, how messed up she had been. Like someone who doesn’t anymore know what to do, or where to go. (parang basang-basa sa ulan) Walking nonstop. Calling out for her kittens. Crying. She was usually aloof with people but on that day, she’s been following me everywhere I go, like she thought maybe I could help her find her babies.

That look she gave me—like begging for answers to her question.

I couldn’t.

I recently found out, our landlady had them thrown out. But I couldn’t explain that to her. I couldn’t make her understand.

Made me feel sorry.

I’ve lost a lot of things and people in my life, but my losses pale in comparison with what has just been taken away from her.

If I were in the cat’s shoes, I must have gone crazy too.

***
So it’s Friday again.

I was supposed to catch X-Men 3 with my brod tonight but it got cancelled. I guess it would be kind not to elaborate. But I think some this might help. My hope is that if he ever reads about this (I’m assuming he will), he’ll understand. I wanted to try to make things as comprehensible but not as straightforward to hit the heart, but I guess my honesty just took over me.

People say NO for a lot of reasons. And a NO shouldn’t always mean a rejection.

A NO doesn’t mean you’ve been dumped, or “basted”.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

You’d be surprised a NO could be someone’s gesture of caring. Maybe she knows that the amount of pain is directly proportional with time. The longer you put your hopes up, the greater the impact of pain.

It doesn’t make sense to prolong one’s agony, much more to give out false hopes.

I’ve been told those NO’s a couple of times in my life, and I’ve known how those NO’s have made me feel smaller, and lacking. But later it became more a reason to be grateful than to be sorry for myself.

Would you rather be lied at to feel better ?

One time, in a desperate measure to save what can still be salvaged of our relationship, I had to beg for one last chance. And he goes “If I ever go back to you, it would be out of pity.” When he said that I thought I’d rather take the NO.

This is not to imply that I’d rather have said NO than be motivated by sympathy, (or worse, pity).

There is not a thing not to like about you.

I know it’s quite classic to say that it’s just me. But it’s really just me.

This is not also to mean that I’m scared or that I don’t take your intentions as good, and serious. I told people before, if I ever get scared, it would be for the other party and not for myself.

I mean I have tasted quite a sum of pains in the name of love, so another one wouldn’t really hurt anymore.

It’s not about your age. I don’t think being younger makes you any less mature than me. Can you believe I actually feel like a child around you?

It’s not you.

It’s me.

I’m a little preoccupied with my life right now, chasing my dreams. I honestly think anything related to love and relationship would be more of a distraction than an inspiration.

Please understand where I’m coming from.

I told you I’d rather that we become lifetime friends.

***
Happy Weekend!








Thursday, May 25

life is beautiful

*long sigh * Oh life is good. It’s usually been a sigh that carries a lot of weight but now my heart is flying. I’ve already forgotten how great a sigh of relief feels. Oh life is darn good.

I don’t know. I woke up this morning feeling like my eyes will be dry for a while.

For the longest time I’ve allowed my past to possess me and kill me softly. I’ve been repeatedly lamenting on my failed relationships (nakakarindi na), sometimes indicting myself for either falling short of men’s expectations, or maybe expecting too much? (But that only makes me feel sorry for myself), so most of the times I’d think I may have just missed on the better men (now that makes me feel a whole lot better).

I even had to make up that list (occasions on which men have disappointed me) to convince myself at least that there was nothing in me to make up for coz I honestly knew I did my best. (Like James Ingram’s Just Once, awww).

I’ve worried so much about Saturday nights alone, or hearing mass alone, or dinner alone, or movie alone. I went as far as fretting about having arthritis without a partner to touch me, or dying with only my cats on my deathbed, (or dying a virgin hahaha) When my roommate says I love you to her husband before she sleeps, or when Dads goes home early to celebrate their monthsary or when a friend goes kilig over a love song, I just ache and my heart couldn’t decide whether it was of envy, self-pity or anger.

So I usually wake up with these fears. But not this morning.

I’ve been praying for it for a while, and I think now it’s fallen on me. Thank God.

Acceptance.

I think it was my resistance that got me incarcerated to my past.

I was too stubborn to accept the truth that things do end and sometimes just fighting is already enough. Or that it just wasn’t my time yet. I just wasn’t that good on letting go. It spelled like defeat for me, and it’s something I have trouble dealing with. I think it’s because I know too well I gave everything (which is the real trouble, because giving everything leaves you empty and a man loses interest on an empty person).

Anyway, as I was saying, I feel better now. (and it’s not me convincing myself here).

It suddenly dawned on me I’m a potential girl to love.

I have recently been able to “redeem” parts of my self-worth, and now I know I’m worth so much more (hmm…conceited eh).. Nah, people have made me realize that. Not to be smug about it, but some male friends think I’m a princess (now you’re talking!), and that those guys who dumped me, have dumped themselves. (I feel my head inflating here).

Seriously, I’ve received a little enlightenment from above.

1. Happiness is a choice.
2. There are a thousand ways to be happy.
3. We don’t always need a man to make us happy.
4. Singleness shouldn’t be a frustration.
5. Indulge in your freedom.
6. Being dateless isn’t being undesirable.
7. Breaking up shouldn’t make you feel broken.
8. Being alone makes you braver.
9. Your time will come.
10. Life is beautiful.

I love the last part. Life is beautiful!

Wednesday, May 24

sibling stories

Got an email from my brother today. It bore no message, just photos. Strong and beautiful photos one could have mistaken for as pages from a magazine. But it was no surprise for me. My brother, only 24 has well earned a reputation for being one of the best lens men in our place.

Let me put it this way. Every time I see his work, I feel so proud, it shows in my eyes. I’ve to wrestle with the impulse to brag about him, and tell the whole world “He’s my brother, you know!” (See, now I’m starting..)

One of the things about weddings that excite me is that my brother promised to take my pictures. The way I see it, I’m going to be one beautiful bride come that day.

Anyway the photos he sent were taken last 20th of May, capping ceremonies of our sis (youngest) who, more or less 2 years from now would have become a full-fledge nurse. And maybe fast forward another year, would have already gone to the States (I’m keeping my fingers crossed).

I regretted not having been able to come home to celebrate that “step closer to her dream”. (But I did send a gift, which practically made up for my absence, I hope).

The photos made me a bit nostalgic. Again I miss my family.

Right now I’m looking at one photo of my mom and dad, it was a candid shot and it was like the kind of smile they had on my graduation day, except for more aging lines. I’m a bit concerned that most of the lines on their faces are due to anxiety than aging. I mean, they’re only about to turn 50 this year.

My favorite photo was that of my sis and her boyfriend (I’m posting it here) and it just made me beam. It was like they wore an expression that had a lot of dreams, and love. Sometimes I worry (especially my parents) that they’re too young to be in love, their studies might suffer. My mom would go as far as thinking that my sister would one day go home pregnant.
But I thought I also had those years. My parents had the same fears. But just as I assured my parents that I will at all times use my head over my freaking heart, my sis told me, we won’t be disappointed. I’ve gotta take her word for it.

Even for a short time that I got to know Borj (his boyfriend), I trust that he would take care of my sis. Now I don’t fret that much. Besides they’re too cute together and Borj tells me they plan to work in the States after they pass the board. Now I’m green with envy.

I couldn’t keep that sigh from coming out of my heart. Isn’t it just lovely? Having somebody make you part of his future. Having someone to share your dreams. Having someone who just looks at you and you know you’re not going home to an empty house. Just holding hands with him makes you ready for anything.

Oh my. My melodrama taking the better of me. I should stop.

I miss my siblings.

Tuesday, May 23

occasions on which men have disappointed me

I’m currently reading Liz Jones’s Diary, a very witty account of how a single forty-something finally got married and what can I say, it’s hilarious. You’ll leave ev’ry page with a cackle (which gets me a little concerned, why, I’m reading in Powerbooks and I’ve this feeling I’m getting all those weird stares).

I’ve read half of the book, but I’m already writing this down on my Favorite books list (I promise to make a book review on this after I finish). It’s a must-read. The kind that could turn hopeless thirty-somethings to hopefuls with stars in their eyes.

I think for a minute it was a book Providence threw at me, you know, I felt so much like Liz Jones’s (like I was reading my own journal). She had this list of the no. of occasions men have disappointed her. And I thought I could come up with my own too. But this one I’m simply calling : “Occasions on which an ex has disappointed me”

1. When an ex compared me to a cell phone. I once bought a Nokia 3250. I told him the phone was okay, but it wasn’t something that made me smile all day. The features were all right, but it seemed lacking. Then I got an Ericsson K750i. I knew it was the one that I wanted. One night after a dinner date, I asked him if there was anything wrong coz he was unusually silent. Remember the thing about the cell phones? He said he met an Ericsson K750i. Now he can’t be unfair to a Nokia 3250. So I was the Nokia 3250 and that was his breakup line.

2. When an ex asked me to go to a motel with him. I cried, I felt insulted. I’ve never felt so cheap in my life. I think that “no” added more rocks to our already rocky relationship.

3. When an ex allowed his dad to insult me and nag me about disappointing him, when I got poor grades on the board exams. I was fighting tears, but my ex thought we should even be touched that his father gave a damn, at least. I thought what the hell, my parents cared about me too, but they never had to look down on me that way.
4. When an ex allowed his mom to treat me coldly and refer to me in the third person. Like over lunch she goes “O, pakainin mo na yang kasama mo.” Or “ O, baka tapos na siya.” Or “O, anong oras yan uuwe?” To think we were only four in the dining table. I wanted to tell my ex, tell your mom I’ve a name. My name is Malu.
5. When an ex broke up with me because I kept insisting pre-marital sex is a mortal sin. He thought otherwise. He saw nothing sinful about it. He said I was too orthodox and that if we couldn’t agree on what we believe in, it’s bound to end anyway.
6. When an ex loses his temper and uses foul language on me.
7. When an ex, two months after we break up, borrows money from me.
8. When an ex broke up with me saying I was too nice for him, and then he gets married the next month.
9. When an ex told me the reason he loved his ex was that she looked so much like his mom. I looked so unlike his mom.
10. When an ex insisted I grow my hair long.
11. When an ex told me he doesn’t love me anymore, and that all he could offer was sympathy (more like pity I think, which is much worse).
12. When one time we watched Phantom of the Opera and I told him I loved the song “Say you’ll love me” that I wanted it to be our wedding song and he just shrugged and slept throughout the movie.
13. When we were watching “If Only”, and I cried so hard coz I felt I was Jennifer Love Hewitt being taken for granted and everything, and he just looked at me irritatingly and goes. “Ano iniiyak mo dyan?”
14. When he sees a really beautiful woman and stares, and then he couldn’t even look at me.
15. When I had to pay for dinner so he’d have dinner with me.
16. When he flirts with my officemates. grrrrrr
17. When he begged so hard for his freedom.
18. When an ex would compare me to his ex.
19. When an ex called me by his ex’s nickname.
20. When an ex told me “Don’t try so hard!” when I only asked him if he was okay.

Monday, May 22

bringing the sun back home















I’m back, with a vengeance—errr-- stories as promised (long story, so bear with me). In a nutshell though, lemme just say that weekend was so much better than last time. I’ve come up with a long list why I came home beaming like I had brought the sun with me, but I decided to trim it down (just in case you get so bored).

1. The sun was there the whole weekend.
2. The beach was paradise.
3. Bonding with my former colleagues turned best friends.
4. I was able to catch MI 3 and The Da Vinci Code
5. Bonding (again) with my sis and brod (in the fraternity) whom I’ve missed for quite awhile.
6. Some simple thoughts that blew me big time.

Friday night

When we set foot at the place I thought the 3-hr drive wasn’t even worth it.

1. We weren’t allowed to make a bonfire.
2. It was a last-quarter moon that made no difference in the night sky. You couldn’t even tell the sea was out there. It was pitch black.
3. The sea was boringly calm. Where were the waves I love so much?
4. 3/4 of us wanted to retreat to bed and re-charge energy lost from the long trip.

As the night wore on, I changed my mind.

1. My first time to grill hotdogs and liempo and I was like a pro.
2. I was able to sing “I can’t cry hard enough” (without crying) while Athens was playing the guitar.
3. Over tequila, one guy friend was pouring his heart out about his breakup with his girlfriend of 3 years. At least we were there to listen.
4. I had the chance to let it out too. I didn’t really expect them to care that much for me.
5. More discussions on loving, losing, letting go and moving on.

Around 4 am, the tequila knocked them out. I was the only one sober (I had at least 6 glasses of coke). I couldn’t sleep (I thought it was the coke that perhaps gave me too much caffeine). Or maybe the things that came out of our discussion were stronger than the caffeine.
Athens asked :

1. Did you see him (ex # 5)earlier at the office?
2. What was your theme song?
3. Is it really over?
4. If he comes back for another chance, would you let him in again?
5. Are you happy now?

I was a little dumbfounded. I wanted to be smart and tough and appear like the kind of girl who has moved on from a bad fall. My answers:

1. Nope. (of course I lied). I’ve seen him, but I can’t tell him that. It still hurts a bit, but no one has to know that, right.
2. None, I told him. (I lied again). There were so many of them, I had to delete MP3s one by one coz hearing just one song play brings melodrama to my memory.
3. Of course. (Liar!) If it still makes you lie, I think it’s not over yet.
4. Of course not! (Liar, liar) I couldn’t be any crazier than that. I told him I’ve learned, and grown and become stronger now. But inside, I knew my arms were still wide open.
5. I don’t know. (at least I didn’t have to lie about that).

One of the guys shared about how much he loved his girlfriend, but how the girl’s family has decided to end their relationship. I couldn’t believe he was actually close to tears that he had to excuse himself to go to the washroom to keep himself intact in front of us. What if families stand in between your love? Or status. Or religion? Didn’t we keep singing “Love is all that matters?”

I know it’s a little idealistic to use that line when society has made things complex, so complex that love isn’t just about both of you being happy, it had to include the people around you. I told him to fight for his love, against all odds, but I had to rethink later. Can you really be happy when you have defied your family?

Finally I grew tired of thinking. My last thought was that I wished I had someone like our guy friend who was willing to fight for me. Maybe it would be nice to be in the shoes of his girlfriend--- being loved so much, and being fought for.

Saturday

We rented a boat to take us into the deep sea, with all those enormous corals. The plan was to snorkel, but to our disappointment, no fish was in sight. We sun bathed for half an hour (now you could see my tan lines), and just got lost in the sea and time. Around 2 pm, we were on the road again.

Got back in Manila around 6pm (traffic!!!). Had dinner, (with the left-over food we had). Coffee with a guy friend (a little catching up with our lives’ progress over the past 3 months). The night capper was MI3 which I enjoyed because it was directed by JJ Abrams, my favorite. (creator of Alias & Lost)

Sunday

I was able to catch The Da Vinci Code with my brod and sis. What can I say, the movie was okay, nothing extraordinary. Having read the book made it less fun to watch coz the surprise was no longer there. Thank God for my funny memory, I kind of forgotten most part of what I read so it was like I was watching the movie for the first time.

The best part really was the time I was able to spend with my brod and sis. I went home around 10:30 pm, but it still felt like I brought the sun back home.

Friday, May 19

see you


i'm headed to the beach tonight. me and my friends. i'm thrilled about the big waves, the night sky and the bonfire.

stories, when i get back.

happy weekend!

Wednesday, May 17

scared

12:39 am. I awoke to my roommate yanking me on my shoulders. She must have been calling out my name. I opened my eyes, barely breathing, feeling dead beat, and insanely scared. I knew I was having a bad dream (again). Well that would be an understatement, coz I knew I just had one of the worst nightmares in years (my last one was 5 years ago, in our dorm back then, when a black lady was strangling me to death; it was so traumatic I had to be brought to a specialist).

Anyway I couldn’t really go graphic with my dream last night, but remembering the feeling gave me goose bumps all over, I was scared out of my wits. There were dead people whose faces I couldn’t recognize, I was alone and nobody would answer me. My hand was gripping a crucifix and a rosary, I was trying to say my prayers, but with little effect. I was able to open my mouth, but no words would come out. I could only moan. I was still moaning when my roommate woke me up.

I was still bowled over when I got up, but I knew I was extremely thankful I’ve got a roommate to take me out of it. I mean I kept thinking, what if I was alone?

I wasn’t able to get back to sleep again (until about 3 am). It may seem pathetic, but I couldn’t dispel the thought that I am incapable of living on my own, let alone sleeping on my own, without that risk of following Rico Yan’s fate (though was it the X that put him to sleep?). It’s really unsafe for me to resign to singledom. I wouldn’t call it overreacting on my part, but I’ve always been frequented by nightmares since childhood and my parents know about it so they have never approved of me sleeping alone (my dad would even nudge me to marry early to cast away their worries). They still worry now; especially on weekends when my roommate goes home and I’ve got the king-sized bed to my own (I have to sleep in the middle and have pillows all around me, to leave no space for unwanted intruders).

I don’t know how I get these horrible dreams, I’ve steered clear of horror movies ever since I watched “The Ring” and Sadako has haunted my sleep for about two weeks. I woke up one night and saw my roommate sleeping next to me and I cried so hard coz I thought, having really long hair she was Sadako just beside me (I must have offended her).

Sometimes I think I just have a wild imagination. Or because I’ve a poor vision, my eyes play with me (especially in the dark, I keep seeing a slot of things so I’d rather leave the lights open). Or that I really have a third eye. Or maybe I don’t drink enough water before I go to sleep and my brain parts get dehydrated and go crazy enough to come up with scary things.

Anyway it’s become a frustration. One time I saw an interview with Paris Hilton and she was saying how she loved horror movies coz she likes the feeling of being scared and screaming and having nightmares and not being able to sleep at night. I thought how liberating it would be to dare yourself and welcome fear, rather than forever avoid it, and forever be conquered by it. I think I’ve been missing all the fun because I wanna be safe in my bed. I wish I could be like Paris.

I think it’s pitiful of me to be 25 years old and still be afraid of the dark.






Sunday, May 14

Grey

Weekend was no fun. The storm hasn’t left yet, and the world is in my least favorite color. Grey.

And once again I’m alone. The rain comes pounding again. It’s like beating my already beaten heart. Now I go really mushy. Told you the rain always do that to me. Even if I’ve made up my mind just recently that the next time I’m gonna cry, it’s because I’m insanely happy, my smile leaks out of my eyes. I’ve actually reconciled to myself that I will have to wait for God’s own time but then it rains and I go weak and I cant fight the rain .

I was tempted to curl in bed and sleep the day off but I remembered I missed last Saturday’s dentist appointment so I had no excuse of missing it again (I think it was God's will coz if I stayed I'd end up having really bad eye bags).

But in any case, I still felt like the weather. Grey. Outside the wind was a little rough. The cold, as usual permeated through my bones and it was the kind of cold I hate. The one which makes you remember how it feels having nice, strong shoulders around you and give you summer days. (sigh)

I was in church hours ago. Alone of course. Then I see this guy holding his girl so tenderly (yet still tight like one of my favorite lines in Nicholas Spark's Message in a Bottle -"so tight that even God can't pull you away") I felt a lump in my throat, it was painful. It’s like I was desperately wishing that the stranger beside me would magically turn into someone I knew coz I could honestly use his/her shoulder right that moment. But magic doesn’t happen on rainy days. It was a stranger, the one next to me. And I had no tissue. Fighting my tears was exactly the way I feel right now. I long for a smoke, I’ve my stick but I’ve no light.

There was just something so affectionate about the way the guy held his girl. I think, if someone was gonna hold me again, it should be like that.

Rewind

About Friday night, I told you we were gonna rock the house. Well we did. And it was insane. I think the appropriate word would be HIGH. Just iced tea and I was like drugged and unstoppable. Im not sure if my energy has maybe shocked my girl friends coz I’m usually the reserved type (oh really now) . I’ve kindly accepted the truth that I don’t sing well so I settled for being the dancing queen. Then we had coffee and well, some pretty interesting conversation. Predictably what twenty-something girls talk over coffee: Love and relationships, what else.

Things like:
1. Having dehydrated lips at age 20+.
2. Or heart.
3. Why letting go is like dropping your favorite glass.
4. How you can actually love the person who has hurt you so many times.
5. How some of us have actually allowed men to define happiness for us.
6. How much a one-sided love hurts.
7. How to find that spark.
8. How to trust in God’s perfect time.

In the cab on my way home, I felt better. Having smoked and opened up my heart, I learned I was not the only 25-year old asking those questions.

Friday, May 12

find me


missed this photo. april 29-30 at laiya, batangas. find me. =)

one week

i missed 4 days. i can’t really say i’ve been busy, coz if there was something i could afford to squander right now, it would be my free time. maybe i’ve just been terribly lazy. or could be a case of too many preoccupations causing a traffic jam in my already disorderly mind. haha. like i can ever buy myself a good excuse for my blogging hiatus. to be honest with you, i’m just so blank. i’ve been, the past days and though i feel a bit lost for words while writing this, i will have to try anyway.

it’s been a slack week for me, typically. i scarcely noticed the week has ended so fast. it’s friday today, i’m in my jeans and there’s a storm outside and the cold reminds me of a nice, soft bed, but i’m in the office and it’s a painful thought. i suddenly miss those rainy afternoons in bed when my mom would make us hot “hulog-hulog” for merienda. it’s made of malagkit rolled into small balls and dropped (hulog) in a mixture of water, ginger and molasses --- the best rainy day snack. we were kids then. and it’s one of my favorite moments as a kid.

i’m worried i’m thinking about food again when i’m still so full (like the food’s still in my throat area). we (my colleagues) just came back from a real hearty lunch of sisig, sinigang, blue marlin and beef tadyang and i guess i must have had too much cholesterol coz right now my head is a bit woozy (now i’ve another excuse for this chaotic piece i’m typing).

anyway, about my week’s report, nothing major really happened. it’s been the same home-office-home routine, the evening spent on soaps and sleep, plus sporadic dose of hollywood showbiz news and american idol. Which brings me to my next subject, chris’ shocking goodbye last night. i never liked him, (i’m a big taylor hicks fan) but it never occurred to me that he was gonna be voted out last night. i was thinking it’s gonna be elliot or katharine. elliot coz he seemed to me as the least popular among the fab four, katharine coz she sang poorly the other night (even with her lovely face). but chris? everyone thought he’s gonna be “the one” so i guess i’m as flabbergasted as the rest of the world. but at least to my relief, coz i was kinda worried about taylor getting kicked out of the four. i still hope taylor wins. go taylor!!

so what else happened during the week… oh finally i was able to do the laundry last night. mommy cat was away (my guess is that she may be looking for food) so i took the chance of moving the three poor kittens to a nice box. when she got back she was really anxious that she had to find another shelter for her babies. this cat shows me what great mothers are made of. which reminds me of mother’s day and my own mom (who i miss so much) and a question i ask myself once in a while. when will i ever get to be greeted happy mother’s day? or who’s goin to be the lucky dad? haha. i’m having delusions now. could be the cholesterol.

that’s how the week passed by like a breeze. tonight my colleagues and i will be singing our hearts out in a ktv bar in jupiter. maybe have a little drink, but it’s definitely goin to rock the house. go predict what’s gonna happen with the storm outside.

happy weekend!

Monday, May 8

dusty sunday

i’ve pretty bad colds today. i didn’t really think the dust could actually do this to me. i mean, i’ve always been pleased with my immune system (and i thought having milk and vitamins and 2 green mangoes last saturday would make me invincible). guess not. i must have overdone the “dusting” i did yesterday morning, having nothing else to do (except bed and TV).

i’ve earlier planned to wash the sheets, (i’ve finally changed them, thank God) but i was prevented by the cat. u see she recently gave birth and was recuperating beside our washing machine just by the drainer. i thought about moving her, and her cute little kittens (almost the size of an obese thumb) to a nicer place but the way the mother looked at me, i decided against the idea and just let them be. out of the blue got me thinking about my own maternal instincts (good luck dear). i mean look at the cat, so graceful and sure. breastfeeding and all. just one look and u’ll know how far she’ll go to shelter her babies. so i backed out.

instead i did a major cleaning of the house, from the ceiling to the floor, windows, bathroom, closets, books, fallen hair (lots and lots of it), shoe rack, shoes. i had to count them and i couldn’t quite believe i have like 42 pairs of shoes. i wonder how with so many pairs, i’m still here…same place… stuck… makes u think about carrie bradshaw again who’d wildly spend for manolo blahniks and end up without a penny to pay for her house. i worry i like carrie bradshaw too much.

anyway it felt nice to see my multi-tasking skills at work. while doing the cleaning, I was able to catch A Knight’s Tale (Heath Ledger), moisturize my skin, hot-oil my hair and do some of the routines i recalled from my yoga class.

heard mass later. it was a productive sunday so far.

yet, the dust beat me. (achoo!!)

Saturday, May 6

thank god there’s powerbooks

i honestly would have gone mad by now. thanks to powerbooks, got an easy remedy for my insufferable B O R E D O M. though i love saturdays in bed when i’d wake up after lunchtime and watch TV uncontrollably, this morning i felt like i needed to get out. first it’s hell-hot (if i were an egg, i’d have fried in one minute). second i suddenly felt sick just thinking bout lyin in bed the whole day.

u see i’m home alone during weekends. my roommate goes home to the province to be with her husband, whom she only sees in the weekend. i’ve no book to read, no dvd to devour, nothing in tv that interests me, no laundry (though would u believe i actually love doing the laundry especially the spin-dry part where i’m amazed how the water got squeezed out almost magically), no food, no friends (umm, just busy).

been planning to do yoga (my mat has been gathering dust for a while now).. but i don’t know, can’t seem to find that mood. thought about watching MI 3 alone, but it didn’t sound like fun. tried going around the shops a bit, but i wasn’t depressed.

my stomach whimpered a little so i got into this cute spaghetti house and ate italian style fried chicken. i’ve always been comfortable eating alone, but today i don’t know, it felt like people were staring at me with those pitiful eyes that goes “oh poor, single, starved girl” (ok my first meal for the day). i usually don’t care, but today i relented. took my phone and pressed the keys like i was texting something. well i wasn’t and it was ridiculous. i decided i’d give my mom a call instead. they were fine. at least i felt nice after that.

i went to a book fair in glorietta, but to my dismay it was all danielle steel and nora roberts and johanna lindsay and jude devereaux…i consider myself a romantic but i don’t read romance novels. (weird huh). well, i did read some during high school (we love those with dukes and barons and pirates and really fiery love scenes haha) and i remembered how we’d take note of the pages with the “scenes” we’d usually refer to as “climax” and we’d read them over and over again. then i’d say it in my confession. “bless me father for I have sinned… i read something obscene..”

anyway i left the book fair feeling bored than ever. thank god i saw the sign. powerbooks. it was like heaven for me. or like that mirage in a desert. haha. so i got a book, lounged into one of those cute seats there and started reading… my day’s been made.

Books read: 10 chapters: Living History by Hillary Rodham Clinton
2 chapters: My Life by Bill Clinton
Skimmed through Britney Spears biography
Also some pages of David Beckham’s
FHM: Eula Valdez
Travel book: Slovenia

i’d probably go back tomorrow.


Friday, May 5

one day

pls don’t think of me as narcissistic. after the 101 things, here i am talking bout myself again. this could go on to a million, no kidding. but that might bore you to death. so i thought i’d let u in to what’s a typical weekday for me. i feel like i’m on a tv show and the title would be, “a day in the life of marhsmalu”.

7:45 am - on weekdays i wake up at this time. that’s without an alarm clock that you snooze for like 10 times before i drag myself from bed [though that’s usually my ordeal during decembers when taking a morning shower (no heater) is like death penalty for me]. i wake up to the smell of shampoo on my roommate’s hair when she steps out of shower. my turn to shower.

8:10 am - it’s always a quick shower for me. so around this time i’m already drying my hair, putting on sesame seed oil, some moisturizer, something for my feet (my feet usually sweats a lot),some color on my face, my favorite perfume.

8:20 am – i dress up. put on pearls or gold or something funky (depending on my mood), my shoes, my bag, pack my milk and/or something to eat, face the mirror for the last time, smile. =)

8:30 am – we leave for work. travel time is 15 minutes. (5 minutes minus the traffic).

8:45 am – office. log in the PC, check emails, YM, friendster, blogs

9:00 am- breakfast in the pantry. usually oatmeal and a glass of cold milk.

9:15 - work officially starts here until lunchtime. in betweens, it’d be inq7.net and some blog-hopping.

12:00 nn - lunch at the pantry.

12:30 pm – used to smoke by this time. now it’s just the net.

12:50 pm – brush my teeth, wash up, retouch.

1:00- pm- resume work until 5:30. in-betweens would be google search: anything under the sun. i’ve an insatiable appetite for learning. i write a little for my blog. merienda when in the mood. YM/telebabad with friends and ex-colleagues. SMS/call my family and friends. no overtime here. work is nothing i can’t handle.

5:30 – pack up. we’re goin home. travel time is longer (rush hour).

6:30 – home. change costume.

7:00 - dinner. (it’s always take-out coz we don’t cook at home. our landlady thinks cooking will get her walls oily so we respect that). catch TV patrol at the same time. story-telling too.

8: 00 – tv. rest a little. we’re huge fans of Sa Piling Mo. (just lately i’ve joined my preggy roommate in answering her crossword puzzles which she says is good for preventing memory loss).
10:00 – shower. floss (love it). sesame oil on my skin. baby powder.

10:30 –bed time. (takes me about 20 minutes to contemplate on the day’s events and say my thanks).

fun to write. but it suddenly got me worried. how long have i been living on this routine? say, 4 years? what does it tell me about tomorrow? it’s like i keep on walking in circles. my feet moves, but i’m standing still. the unacceptable part is that i made that schedule for the day. i had the power and the preference. i had control. and i’ve gotten so comfortable with it i completely forgot the road should have been straight, and not circular. and i’ve feet that could walk. and i’m too young to be immobile.

***
i probably should change my sked.

***
happy weekend!

Thursday, May 4

101 random things bout me

so i suck at organizing my thoughts, and this is my excuse. 101 random things about me. pretty long read so i beg your indulgence.
1. i'm 25 and u know what they say about quarter-life crisis. guess i'm in one. so much for a starter. been losing sleep over two things at this point: abroad or home?
2. it’s always been the latter. grew up with simple dreams, my ultimate one being to wear a white tube gown (no laces/beadwork) on my wedding of 50 guests while they play "true" (pretty woman), 4 kids and pink bougainvilleas on a white fence.
3. become a housewife (and make money out of writing or i’m sure i could come up with something, having diverse interests and all)
4. maybe teach part-time or take photographs or make lampshades or beaded accessories or plan simple weddings…
5. marriage excites me. i get thrilled about brushing our teeth together, and watching him while he’s asleep and fixing his tie, and packing his lunch, and the goodbye kiss when he goes away for work.
6. i’ve this weird feeling i’ll get married this year (???)
7. then lately i’ve this feeling it’s a road called spinsterhood.
8. maybe i’d be better off pursuing my career than be pregnant and domesticated.
9. now i'm trying to get a visa. exhaust options that’d land me in canada, or new york (like carrie bradshaw who i love). suddenly i felt like there's a world of opportunities outside, and it would be a waste to deprive myself of them.
10. i love new york for it’s beautiful autumn. i’ve this fantasy of taking a walk in central park while fallen brown leaves follow my steps.
11. i love the color of autumn, makes me feel defenseless. i like to feel that way sometimes. just fall like the leaves do.
12. i’m a cpa. been working my ass for 4 years and i’m still broke. i wanna blame the economy but i guess i brought it upon myself. shopaholic story.
13. i lose control over shoes and books. it’s become my anti-depressant and i’ve been down rather frequently. oh-oh…
14. shoes. yes imelda. i’ve a closet of shoe boxes. they say u’ve gotta invest in shoes coz a good pair will get you to places.
15. my feet is a size 5 ½. don’t know what it says bout my personality but i sometimes think it’s the reason why i’ve a lot of catching up to do with my life at 25. little feet, little steps. and it’s hard to find a pair coz it’s usually a 5 or a 6.
16. books. i’ve been reading them since sweet valley kids days. now i’ve a 175/200 vision.
17. i’ve a pair of eyeglasses which i only wear when i’m seated at the back (i’m nearsighted). it’s just that when i wear one, i can see everything clearly. sometimes i’d still like to be surprised.
18. so my optha said i could wear contacts. no way. i feel like the lens will poke through my eyeball.
19. my favorite place to spend sunday is powerbooks.
20. books i read: travel books, (auto)biographies, interior design, dan brown- kind-of-stories, mitch albom’s, some of paolo coehlo’s, pablo neruda. (i read basically everything except school books).
21. my favorite book is j.d. salinger’s catcher in the rye because it reminds me of my guy best friend.
22. my guy best friend. during his birthday last year, i asked him what gift he’d like. he said i should just read catcher in the rye. so i did, and it was like a gift to myself too.
23. i don’t really save. i’ve a couple of insurance plans that i got only because in case i die i wanted to leave something for my family. but i don’t save big time (for myself). i always think that we shouldn’t deprive ourselves to save for the future coz the future isn’t really something guaranteed for all of us (haha..lousy excuse for having a quadruple digit savings acct after 4 years of employment).
24. i like crossing the bridge when i get to it. used to have post-its around me, and timetables, but having self-imposed deadlines make me lose sleep sometimes. so now my fave word is spontaneity. i feel at peace.
25. sometimes i don’t like having my watch on, it feels like i’m in a chase with time and i can’t even enjoy the moment.
26. i only drink coffee because of the conversation. my cardio says my heart doesn’t like caffeine. but i still drink some, if only to get together with friends.
27. i’m a sucker for good conversations. i wanna grow old with someone i could talk to even with closed eyes.
28. used to smoke (though i’ve asthma). but that’s only because when i do, my head feels light (my thoughts seem to weigh more than my skull).
29. like carrie bradshaw, it’s marlboro lights. but ever since my roommate got pregnant, i tried to quit. so now it’s only about 3 sticks in a month.
30. also used to pass out coz of too much alcohol (liked tequila becoz of the lemon and the salt). good thing now i can't stand the smell of any alcoholic drink. i usually order four seasons instead.
31. i recently found out i love milk so i take 2 glasses of it a day. now i ask myself, what took me so long?
32. my blood type is A. nothing significant really except that i can only receive from type A and O and help save the life of a type AB, though i doubt if i’d be allowed to give out blood.
33. the reason i got recalled in my last medical exams was that i was underweight.
34. i’m pretty slim, but my tummy is hideous. the last time i was in my two-piece, ah 3 layers showed. i’ve to get back to yoga. i had beautiful abs then.
35. recently conquered my fear of taking the plunge (with a life vest, i meant to add that). now i love snorkeling. think i’m gonna try diving soon. but i guess i’ve to work on my swimming skills. i know how to swim only when my feet touches the bottom.
36. love the beach. pools make me feel trapped. the sea makes me think some things never end.
37. i also think the sound of the waves is God’s lullabye.
38. i’m the eldest among our sibs of 3, the shortest too at 5’1”.
39. my brother two years younger than me is an undergrad who co-owns a large photography biz that’s making money many times bigger than i do. he says when i do get married he’d give me 50% off (if and when i do get married).
40. my sister (our youngest) hopes to become a nurse and go to the states. i’ve this thought that she’ll be the one to bring me to new york, new york.
41. my mom is a midwife who brings out an average of 10 babies per month, make that 120 per year. half of them, she becomes the ninang so the next time the mommies deliver again, they’ll get a discount (that’s just my theory). but my mom is the best in town. she could run for mayor and win if she could only stand politics. she thinks it’s dirty. good idea.
42. my dad recently retired from service. been a policeman for almost half of his life. when people say rude things bout policemen i get annoyed becoz I know my dad and he’s a good man.
43. i’m a daddy’s girl. now i’m teary-eyed.
44. i’m single too. (been saying it’s a preference but that’s only to save my pride).
45. you see last christmas, my siblings’ phones kept ringing, their sweethearts calling to greet them. my dad teased why my phone was on silent mode. i said it didn’t make any difference.
46. i’ve had up to ex# 5. the longest was 1 year, shortest was 16 days. all of them are either married or so much in love now.
47. makes me wonder maybe there’s something wrong with me. when i love i lose all reasons.
48. it’s like when i love, i wanna get married. i scare them off.
49. i often say forever when i love someone. i share my best friend in his theory that forever is in the past and not in the future. when you say forever, right at that moment when you meant it with all your heart, it’s never gonna change, that’s forever. makes sense?
50. my life gets rearranged to fit my man in the plan. so it’s really painful every time a relationship ends. imagine i’ve reorganized my life for five times already.
51. i’m not hard to love. i’m not even the high-maintenance type u bring to posh dinners. so why do i get dumped a few times already?
52. ex # 4 said I was too nice for him and i deserve someone better. (oh, the only excuse he can come up with)? one month later he got married.
53. ex # 5 said he found somebody nicer. (a couple of months later, he leaves “ms. nicer” for “ms. nicest”. so what, the next would be ms. beautiful?
54. i’m bitter about it. but my friends tell me i do deserve somebody better. it’s part of my constant prayer these days.
55. also part of my worries. i’ve had my chance before. my first love loved me so much, that even when he was abroad, he never changed his mind. it was i who did.
56. i honestly never thought i’d be singing sad to belong or somewhere down the road or bakit ngayon ka lang. but when I met ex # 2, it was our song.
57. ex # 2 loved me even more. but he loved me too much. too much of anything isn’t really good. he got married last january.
58. wait, i forgot to mention. ex # 1 was like the perfect gentleman. would you believe we never got to kiss on the lips? the day before he left for the states, i’ve been praying he would. but he kissed my cheeks instead.
59. that time i knew he was the man i’d marry. (if only i waited..)
60. so my first real kiss was with ex # 2.
61. i don’t like french kiss. i’d like a light kiss. soft. lingering.
62. i just don’t see anything romantic about sharing saliva.
63. i’m a romantic. i daydream a lot. i’ve this fantasy in my mind that the next time a man would make me cry, i could finally say to myself, ah so this is why they say too much happiness can make you cry.
64. for a while i’ve been hooked to korean films/soaps.
65. i love dvd marathons. my faves: alias, 24, desperate housewives, one tree hill and grey’s anatomy.
66. i love grey’s anatomy coz it’s about doctors and i’d secretly want to become one coz i think it’s the noblest profession on earth to be able to save lives and give answers but i couldn’t coz i freak out with blood.
67. the thing that excites me about getting married is the part where you no longer have to sleep on the middle of the bed out of fear that a ghost might try to sleep beside you coz you know you already have a better half.
68. i’ve a closet filled with stuffed bears and puppies and dolphins etc, 80% of which reminds me of my ex# 1 to ex # 5 coz they all gave them to me.
69. i make a lot of scrapbooks. i think the camera is one of the greatest inventions of mankind.
70. i've never held a baby in my arms. not sure whether it's becoz i'm scared i might crush those little bones or i'm more scared of the pain of wanting to have one of my own.

71. loved the rain the most when my first love had only one umbrella, and it was small and we had to walk around campus grounds and he said he loved me.
72. now i get sad when it rains because I’ve an umbrella and it’s too big for me.
73. i only love watching while the rain pounds hard onto the windshield and the wiper swabs it away. somehow i feel soothed.
74. i hate it when the rain touches my toes.
75. i love the moon. now people have an explanation for my eccentricity. but seriously i love it becoz it makes me believe that there’s no such thing as out-of-reach.
76. my favorite word is “soon”. don’t like the word “sorry”.
77. i also love the rock when big angry waves crash against it and it never breaks. want my man to have the same strength.
78. i’m a crybaby.
79. but i guess being a crybaby doesn’t equate to being weak. i think it’s just a case of my lachrymal glands being a little loose and the nice feeling of release.
80. being weak in my opinion is choosing to be safe, or being scared to try. like you don’t want to ride a plane coz u’re thinking it might crash. u shut ur heart out coz u’re afraid u might get hurt again.
81. by this definition you’re looking at one brave woman. there was never a time i had second thoughts about getting involved out of fear of getting hurt.
82. i can deal with the pain, though it usually takes a while. but to let chance slip away to protect myself from losing, it scars pretty badly i think. those what ifs never really leave.
83. my favorite line in a song is jason mraz’ 1000 things:

See, I've always wanted to kiss you
But I, I always wanted to run from you
Because I've always wanted to miss you
And I, I always wanted to come for you

84. i think the sweetest thing a guy would do for me is tuck my hair behind my ears with that loving look in his eyes.
85. the sweetest thing an ex did for me was to stay in the phone (until he lost his credits) when one midnight i woke up from a terrible nightmare. the next day he sends his best friend to give me a stuffed puppy and a rosary.
86. people say don’t give rosaries to the one you love coz you’d end up losing the person. i thought it was absurd, but looking back it made a little sense to me (or maybe i’m desperate for an explanation on the short-termness of my relationships). gave them rosaries and see what happened.
87. the sweetest thing i ever did for an ex was write a song for him on our 7th monthsary.
88. oh i think this also qualifies as “sweetest”. for nine early mornings, ex # 4 would wait by my stairways and we’d have simbang gabi together.
89. i love writing love letters. i love wrapping gifts more than opening them.
90. every time i pass by a bridge, i hold my breath and make a silent wish until we get to the other end. it’s always been the same wish.
91. i believe in second chances.
92. i don’t read my (ex) boyfriends’ cell phone. i value trust a lot.
93. sometimes i pray so hard my eyes get damp.
94.i can go really sexy with dressing up, but i’ve an old-fashioned heart.
95. i love bamboo and cheese escudero. u think they look alike?
96. i’ve a short-term memory. but a very wild imagination. sometimes i worry.
97. i believe in karma. i can’t really be happy on account of others.
98. i watch movies alone not really becoz i’ve no company but becoz some movies make me cry and i’d feel silly sobbing in front of people i know.
99. sometimes i’d rather open up with a complete stranger.
100. i still believe in happy endings.
101. told you I suck at organizing my thoughts. =)




Wednesday, May 3

welcome


hello there. officially my first post. and here. my welcome note. maybe an invite. too. just me thinkin’ out loud. maybe. u can stop. listen. for a while. smile. shake yer head. say no. say more. or just say sorry. we could. rock the same boat. or meet halfway. share some sympathy. or tea. or coffee. or silence. cry. laugh. sigh. shout. giggle. read. understand. connect. take my hand. after this. u'll hear. from me. everyday. i'll hear. from u. soon. who knows. we’ll be friends. after this. who knows. =)