Friday, May 26

cats and thoughts

You might think this is petty but I think I owe it to the cat to tell you her story. What happened to her I think was a real tragedy, and I totally empathize with her. And this perhaps explains my extraordinary kindness to the cat these past few days.

Take last night for example, I wasn’t really very keen on having fish for dinner but I had to settle for that. I was concerned about the cat, whom I’ve established wasn’t much of a meat lover, so the cat and I had a fish party.

She seemed very pleased.

That was the least I could do.

She just lost her three kittens.

It was probably last Sunday, I heard her screaming like a crazy woman. Think about Sisa, how messed up she had been. Like someone who doesn’t anymore know what to do, or where to go. (parang basang-basa sa ulan) Walking nonstop. Calling out for her kittens. Crying. She was usually aloof with people but on that day, she’s been following me everywhere I go, like she thought maybe I could help her find her babies.

That look she gave me—like begging for answers to her question.

I couldn’t.

I recently found out, our landlady had them thrown out. But I couldn’t explain that to her. I couldn’t make her understand.

Made me feel sorry.

I’ve lost a lot of things and people in my life, but my losses pale in comparison with what has just been taken away from her.

If I were in the cat’s shoes, I must have gone crazy too.

So it’s Friday again.

I was supposed to catch X-Men 3 with my brod tonight but it got cancelled. I guess it would be kind not to elaborate. But I think some this might help. My hope is that if he ever reads about this (I’m assuming he will), he’ll understand. I wanted to try to make things as comprehensible but not as straightforward to hit the heart, but I guess my honesty just took over me.

People say NO for a lot of reasons. And a NO shouldn’t always mean a rejection.

A NO doesn’t mean you’ve been dumped, or “basted”.

It’s all a matter of perspective.

You’d be surprised a NO could be someone’s gesture of caring. Maybe she knows that the amount of pain is directly proportional with time. The longer you put your hopes up, the greater the impact of pain.

It doesn’t make sense to prolong one’s agony, much more to give out false hopes.

I’ve been told those NO’s a couple of times in my life, and I’ve known how those NO’s have made me feel smaller, and lacking. But later it became more a reason to be grateful than to be sorry for myself.

Would you rather be lied at to feel better ?

One time, in a desperate measure to save what can still be salvaged of our relationship, I had to beg for one last chance. And he goes “If I ever go back to you, it would be out of pity.” When he said that I thought I’d rather take the NO.

This is not to imply that I’d rather have said NO than be motivated by sympathy, (or worse, pity).

There is not a thing not to like about you.

I know it’s quite classic to say that it’s just me. But it’s really just me.

This is not also to mean that I’m scared or that I don’t take your intentions as good, and serious. I told people before, if I ever get scared, it would be for the other party and not for myself.

I mean I have tasted quite a sum of pains in the name of love, so another one wouldn’t really hurt anymore.

It’s not about your age. I don’t think being younger makes you any less mature than me. Can you believe I actually feel like a child around you?

It’s not you.

It’s me.

I’m a little preoccupied with my life right now, chasing my dreams. I honestly think anything related to love and relationship would be more of a distraction than an inspiration.

Please understand where I’m coming from.

I told you I’d rather that we become lifetime friends.

Happy Weekend!


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