Wednesday, May 17

scared

12:39 am. I awoke to my roommate yanking me on my shoulders. She must have been calling out my name. I opened my eyes, barely breathing, feeling dead beat, and insanely scared. I knew I was having a bad dream (again). Well that would be an understatement, coz I knew I just had one of the worst nightmares in years (my last one was 5 years ago, in our dorm back then, when a black lady was strangling me to death; it was so traumatic I had to be brought to a specialist).

Anyway I couldn’t really go graphic with my dream last night, but remembering the feeling gave me goose bumps all over, I was scared out of my wits. There were dead people whose faces I couldn’t recognize, I was alone and nobody would answer me. My hand was gripping a crucifix and a rosary, I was trying to say my prayers, but with little effect. I was able to open my mouth, but no words would come out. I could only moan. I was still moaning when my roommate woke me up.

I was still bowled over when I got up, but I knew I was extremely thankful I’ve got a roommate to take me out of it. I mean I kept thinking, what if I was alone?

I wasn’t able to get back to sleep again (until about 3 am). It may seem pathetic, but I couldn’t dispel the thought that I am incapable of living on my own, let alone sleeping on my own, without that risk of following Rico Yan’s fate (though was it the X that put him to sleep?). It’s really unsafe for me to resign to singledom. I wouldn’t call it overreacting on my part, but I’ve always been frequented by nightmares since childhood and my parents know about it so they have never approved of me sleeping alone (my dad would even nudge me to marry early to cast away their worries). They still worry now; especially on weekends when my roommate goes home and I’ve got the king-sized bed to my own (I have to sleep in the middle and have pillows all around me, to leave no space for unwanted intruders).

I don’t know how I get these horrible dreams, I’ve steered clear of horror movies ever since I watched “The Ring” and Sadako has haunted my sleep for about two weeks. I woke up one night and saw my roommate sleeping next to me and I cried so hard coz I thought, having really long hair she was Sadako just beside me (I must have offended her).

Sometimes I think I just have a wild imagination. Or because I’ve a poor vision, my eyes play with me (especially in the dark, I keep seeing a slot of things so I’d rather leave the lights open). Or that I really have a third eye. Or maybe I don’t drink enough water before I go to sleep and my brain parts get dehydrated and go crazy enough to come up with scary things.

Anyway it’s become a frustration. One time I saw an interview with Paris Hilton and she was saying how she loved horror movies coz she likes the feeling of being scared and screaming and having nightmares and not being able to sleep at night. I thought how liberating it would be to dare yourself and welcome fear, rather than forever avoid it, and forever be conquered by it. I think I’ve been missing all the fun because I wanna be safe in my bed. I wish I could be like Paris.

I think it’s pitiful of me to be 25 years old and still be afraid of the dark.






2 Comments:

Blogger Ade said...

maybe you should change dorms? try a non-haunted one?

but you're lucky you don't sleep alone. you are blessed to have alert roomates.

1:42 AM  
Blogger Dads said...

at least someone woke you up. :)
aside from making sure you won't sleep thirsty.. maybe you can try thinking of happy thoughts, forgetting your worries and problems for a while and pray for a good night sleep.

...in fairness.. natawa ako sa napagkamalan mong Sadako katabi mo. ^_^

3:06 PM  

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