Wednesday, June 28

a little more time

He proposed today, says my friend in her SMS today.

Even if I couldn’t hear her, it was obviously a worried tone, much to my surprise. Whereas most girls would be ecstatic when the men they love above all things ask for the chance to spend their lifetime with them, my friend here can’t find it in her to smile. She was anxious. She was uncertain. She was scared. She felt like she was falling apart.

I asked her if she said yes.

Her reply, Not yet”.

“Why not?” I think her boyfriend and I blurted out the same question.

“Not ready”. Okay. I think I understand.

Her boyfriend goes, “You’ll never know when you’ll be ready. Yun din naman yung pupuntahan, bat pa kelangan patagalin. We’re both in the right age.”

Hmmmn. Makes sense to me. I told my friend. “If you really love each other, then you’re ready.” Don’t raise that eyebrow on me. I’m speaking from a romantic’s perspective. Say it’s cheesy, but I abide by the love-conquers-all theory, and if there’s love, then that so-called preparation is just icing on the cake.

Then she goes, “how about stability?”

If I weren’t so engrossed with my work (really), it would have been a good topic to debate on and I knew I had a lot to say about stability. But I was busy so I ended up just saying. “Yeah, that’s a point worth noting, but it would ultimately all depend on both of you to make it work. Hey don’t you listen to me. Listen to your heart.”

To that she replied “One big step. There’s no turning back once you decide on this.”

True. I said. That’s why you should really think it over. In my head I was thinking, whatever made her think about turning back? Whatever made her consider the probability that taking that big leap might be something she might be sorry for? Once you say yes, you make a commitment.

*End of conversation*

So now I’m left contemplating again. Sometimes I think my friend and I are on the same boat. I got a proposal myself, and while my reaction was a big “haha”, in my heart, it scared the hell out of me.

Yeah, maybe I am unready as well. And yeah, I now realize that to a certain point, stability could be a major deciding factor. I mean I keep saying as long as you love each other, then waiting would be a waste of time, but at the back of my head, I knew love alone couldn’t do it.

I look at stability differently. While my friend sees it as having the finances and resources to support the wedding, mine is something to sustain the marriage. Emotional stability. You’d think it’s hypocrisy but I honestly would agree to marry someone even if he couldn’t even buy me a ring.

As long as I love him.

My concern is to be able to get over my hang-ups before taking that next big leap. I have to be intact. I can’t commit when I’m in pieces.

My hang-ups here don’t include past heartbreaks. They’re all about chasing my dreams, settling with myself. I keep explaining, almost repeatedly, that the only reason I can’t make a commitment right now is because I still want to build on my independence, try it out abroad, run after my dreams, experience standing totally on my own.

I want to live through them now so they wouldn’t be part of my “what ifs” when I grow old.

My dad warns me against wanting so much in my life. I mentioned this is in my previous post, my dad thinks that it’s okay to marry even if you don’t own a house yet, nor a car. They will come. The important part of the marriage is about struggling together, suffering together and making it work together.

He fears that by the time I’m through accomplishing all the things I want, I’ll be alone. There’ll be nobody to share them with.

My father worries because I’m turning 26 this November and wedding bells have been as still as dead for the longest time. (Well I think he’s more excited about having the first “apo” in the family.)

Even my friend Gee Anne says it would be like the song “Bituing Walang Ningning”. In the end, I’d be feeling like a lackluster star.

I want to tell that to my friend. She has to really want it, to say yes. If she can already see herself waking up with that man beside her, then it’s much easier to answer the question.

What she needs right now is a little more time. He can wait. I think this goes for me too.







Monday, June 26

great

Great news, I was able to bounce back from a sickly Friday.

Team building has been pretty physical, (which was good for me) I have been able to let go of the heat that’s been wanting to break free.

It was fun. Walking through ropes and being carried and moved through a human web. Live band in the evening. Scrumptious meals. Pictorials. And the part I loved most—bonding with friends!


on the bus to cavite...
take-out queens
dinner with my teammates

throw ball people
with the muse...

Friday, June 23

sick

I don't feel well today, though my body can't decide yet if it's going to have a mild case of tonsilitis, or sore throat or fever. I just know that my throat aches when I swallow, and my head spins and I've to tighten my jacket to fight the chill.
I could have afforded myself a much-needed rest this weekend, but the bad news is that tomorrow's our team building in Cavite, and the thought just takes my life away. Emil tells me I should ask to be excused, my health matters more than anything, but I honestly don't want to be left behind.
Anyway I took some lozenges (which paralyzed my tongue for a moment), paracetamol for my head ache and drowned myself with enough water to temper my body heat.
To no avail.
I still feel terrible.
I just hope that a nice sleep can take all these away.
By the way, Shirley is sleeping over tonight.
It's also Tin's (my roommate/etc) last day in office, and in our house. (but i don't want to think about that, I'm missing her already).
I keep trying to weed out such thoughts, I think it's even aggravating my awful state.
I think after tonight I'll be sleeping in the room alone.
Makes me even sicker.
But looking on the brighter side (which I try to do whenever something not good clouds over me), I hope this brings out the independent spirit in me. I kind of lose that everytime I know someone's just there beside me. I hope it's goin' to teach me things I've already forgotten.
Like being strong, and self-reliant and unafraid.
Let's see what's gonna happen.
For now, I have to deal with my sickness.
Happy weekend!

Thursday, June 22

sweet

i got the sweetest surprise this morning…

if you’re reading this, i wish you could see me blush.

thanks, you just made my day. =)

Wednesday, June 21

my aunt's story

I had quite a sentimental moment last Sunday.

Finally, I was able to visit my favorite aunt who’s been here in Manila for more than a month already. I suddenly felt bad that I still had to let my mom step on my conscience before I could put myself together and go to my aunt’s. I didn’t have any preoccupation that would matter more than just an hour that I would have to spend with her; I think I was just a scared.

Kind of disappointing. More than anybody else, I didn’t have any right to be scared.

Anyway I went last Sunday.

Looking at her, I remember how she used to come to us when we were small, and she was single. She’d come and pick us up and treat us out and shop for us, and we’d go home with the look of delight on our faces.

Years passed and now, it was my turn to visit her. Shop for her. Treat her out. She had breast cancer.

She was in the final phase of her 2-month cobalt treatment, after enduring months of chemotherapy.

Now maybe you’d understand why I chicken out when my mom tells me to pay her a visit. I was scared of looking at her.

Not at her bald head (though I’m seeing some growth now). Not at her bloated face. Not at the burnt marks at her chest (caused by cobalt). Not because she had only the right breast left. Not because of the stitches that still speak of pain, and loss.

I was scared of what my eyes will say when I look at her.

I wanted it to be something that carries encouragement, and strength and hope. It was what she needed the most. But I was afraid all my eyes could give was sympathy.

I love my aunt so much that looking at her really causes an ache somewhere in me. I just couldn’t believe how cancer can take away so much from someone. It was like a thief that came without warning. More than the left breast that it robbed from her, more than her figure, more than her esteem, are her hopes.

She never had a child.

She married in her 30’s and had two miscarriages. Then she finds out she had breast cancer.

What struck me big time was the idea that she didn’t have to face this ordeal by herself. She had a partner. The man who vowed to be with her in sickness and in health was right beside her. He was beside her from day 1. I couldn’t help but brush a tear.

On our way to dinner, I saw them hold hands. I think apart from the cobalt, it was his husband’s love that sustains her, continually.

Before I left, my aunt showed me the stitches, and burns. It was pretty heartbreaking, but I decided to look past the scars. I told her it was okay. I told her she was gonna get well soon.

I think we all needed to be strong for her and pray for her and sympathy was the last thing she needed.

She thanked me. But when she smiled, I thought to myself I should be the one thanking her.

I kissed her and hugged her and I wasn’t scared anymore.

baby shower

Friday night was our surprise (not-so) baby shower for Tin (my roommate/best friend/teammate/etc). It was a KTV party at Red Box Greenbelt, a reunion of some sort for Tin’s old and new friends (c/o Brets and yours truly). Thank God we were able to pull it through, it was a “so last-minute” plan.

Best way to describe it? Amusing!!! Thanks to Marco (who, let me say has a future in stand-up comedy), we ended up laughing more than singing the night away.

I’m kinda lost for words, so let the pictures tell the story:
me, vileo, brets and marco

go shirley!!!

let's swing it baby!!! (dancing love team marco and she)

mommy and daddy looking at baby...

who moved my cheese?

the whole gang's here

Friday, June 16

would you?

*continued*

So now my feet feel a little cold.

I’m not getting married, (though would you believe I just got a marriage proposal— I’m serious.).

It’s just that I’m bothered by the way my mind’s kinda splitting right now, when two weeks ago, I was 100 % sure of the way I envisioned my place in the future. Now it’s cut in two.

While writing this, I feel like someone who’s had something to make her change her stubborn mind. I hate it.

I was talking to my mom in the morning and she goes “Maybe you’re just bored, and you think leaving would answer that. I bet if you had a boyfriend, you’d never wanna go anywhere else.”

I let out a cackle. Instantly because I thought her theory was hilarious. A minute passed, enough to make her comment sink in, and I suddenly was scratching my head. Guess I felt a piece of truth in it. But just a small, immaterial piece.

I’m pretty bored, yes. But I disagree about making it the major reason I’ve been besieged with my dreams of flying elsewhere. It’s all been about the thrill of experiencing something new, and difficult. I keep saying I want things simple but my heart feeds on adventure.

I love to challenge myself.

You see I’m kind of a walking contradiction..

I keep saying how a lot of my fears surround me like fence wherein being alone scares me the most, but in my heart, I’ve always longed for independence.

I’m thrilled about going to an entirely foreign country where all I’d see are strange, blue eyes that do not have a single clue about who I am, what makes me smile, or cry or dream or scream.

I’d be like a big question mark, and I’ve nothing to prove.

Plus I really want to experience work there. To struggle and measure up. Be able to run. Win people’s confidence. Make my momma proud. And earning dollars or euros is nice too.

Plus autumn, and the snow and having a fireplace. When summer turns the world into a wonderful painting.

These imaginings make me want to pack my bags.

Then here comes a proposal of a lifetime. =)

I’m asking myself the same question he asked me. What can make you change your mind?

If somebody offers you a chance to be happy.
Grow old with you.
Be like a liquid paper to all the bad things that make you want to hate men.
Be the rock, when you’re the angry sea.
Be the one.

Would you change your mind?

*to be continued*

***
Tonight’s Tin’s baby shower. We’re all gonna sing for the baby. 7-12 midnight. Can't wait.
***
Someone’s going to be missed. Four days seem like four years to me. =)

Wednesday, June 14

change my mind

Let me start with my weekend report. I know it’s Wednesday today, obviously a bit late for an update, but I’ll say it anyway.

Promise I’ll keep it short and simple.

It was good. No, it was great. Coming to work during the holiday (last Monday) didn’t keep me from having a helluva crazy weekend. I was able to have confession last Friday. Long rest last Saturday. Go to Cavite for Gee Anne’s birthday last Sunday where we sang our hearts out. Watch Cars last Monday, where I laughed ridiculously.

All of those I got to do with the sun in my eyes.

It rained, during most afternoons, but not enough to drive the sun away.

***
I got the papers I’ve been waiting for. This brings me an inch closer to “the dreams”.

I had mixed feelings about it.

It’s always been the case whenever I come face to face with something like an answered prayer. It suddenly concerns me, what if I prayed wrong?

I’m both excited and scared.

Then somebody asks. “What would make you change your mind?”

I just shrugged my shoulders.

*to be continued*


Tuesday, June 13

lucky

Here’s an SMS I got from Dads, words from Ally Mcbeal.

“There are some people who meet that somebody they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. There are some love that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy. But we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever.”

I can call myself lucky then. =)

thankful

why i thank God...
my brother & me last Friday at Krocodile's Greenbelt

Friday, June 9

simple joys

i've learned never to undermine the joys that simple things can bring.
i met with my brother today, the great photographer i was telling you about. they're here for a wedding photo shoot in forbes park.
so we had lunch. he brought along his college best friends, who were also his colleagues in the photography business. a bunch of happy people 2 years younger than me.they called me 'ate' and it didn't bother me at all.
lunch was delish. as with the feeling of having to spend an hour with a brother you only get to meet once in four months.
simple joys. i missed that.
charlie took a pic of me and my brother.
we had the biggest smiles.
*photos to follow*

Thursday, June 8

love...

"the strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility."

-paolo coehlo

*thanks sis deo, for leading me to these words.*

Tuesday, June 6

weird

It was a weird weekend.

Weird in a nice way.

Weird in a way that makes me smile.

Weird coz maybe it seemed new.

You see for sometime it was a seemingly never-ending and oftentimes already irritating litany of breakups and disappointments with men. You know those things like losses or rejections or betrayals or fears… things that make me whine nonstop.

Just last Friday I was lamenting on another disappointment (again).

Coupled with torrents of rain and going home to an empty apartment, I thought I’d break down.

It was a consolation that Brets (another single friend), was there to share a hot latte with me. Funny that it took us almost five hours to empty that coffee cup. Maybe the conversation tasted better than caffeine. We were talking about our lives at 25.

Seemed like we were on the same boat. A boat sailing on a sea of disappointments.

So much for the drama.

So the rain stopped. The sun comes out.

Here comes this person who made me remember that nice feeling of having someone to treat you like a princess.

Someone who’d make you believe that there’s still somebody out there who could love you that much.

Someone who’d look at you, with stunned eyes, like he’s completely lost in you.

Someone who wouldn’t even let the rain touch your hair coz you might catch colds.

Someone willing to reshuffle his life to follow you.

Someone who’d tell you, you deserve the best.

Someone who’d beg for the chance to make you happy.

Someone who’d love you for who you are.

Someone who’d just love you.

It seemed like a dream you know.

Weird.

I must admit it was one of the happiest weekends of my young life.

But weird also, that I had to put back the fence around me again.



Friday, June 2

disappointed (again)

You thought you’d seen the last of those days when you’d let a man disappoint you.

Well you thought wrong, and it’s sad.

It’s sad especially when you break the hardened walls of your heart for somebody you believed you could trust.

You let him win your trust coz he asked for a chance.

You gave him a chance coz he vowed he would never disappoint you.

But now you find yourself pounding on your keys, controlling your eyes, trying to be calm. Well it looks like you’re gonna have to add this to the list you just made. (Occasions on which men have disappointed me)

You’re disappointed.

What an anti-climax to a supposedly great week.

It’s been a fairly beautiful life recently. When people ask you how you’ve been, it felt nice having to answer you’re good, and happy and that ex-talks don’t anymore succeed to make you cry.

You’ve learned to wait.

You’ve learned to trust the reason behind the failings of your previous relationships.

You’ve made “The Greater Scheme of Things” your song.

Your life was smooth sailing.

Then comes a knock. An old, familiar knock. A knock you once chose not to answer.

But this time you opened the door.

You had second thoughts at first, about tearing the fence down, the fence you’ve just built around your heart, but there was something soft about the way he knocked. Something secure. Something assuring.

Something that made you reach for the door and almost let him in.

You lowered your expectations. You taught yourself how to appreciate things. You started to listen. You opened your eyes.

You slowed down, so he could catch up.

You were nice.

You gave him the chance.

He made you feel like a princess.

For a second you thought you were safe. He was holding you. You’d never cry again.

Then he lies.

Then he disappoints you.

Just like everyone else did.

What can men do to you that they still haven’t done to you before?

It’s raining hard outside.

Sadly, in your heart too.