Wednesday, June 28

a little more time

He proposed today, says my friend in her SMS today.

Even if I couldn’t hear her, it was obviously a worried tone, much to my surprise. Whereas most girls would be ecstatic when the men they love above all things ask for the chance to spend their lifetime with them, my friend here can’t find it in her to smile. She was anxious. She was uncertain. She was scared. She felt like she was falling apart.

I asked her if she said yes.

Her reply, Not yet”.

“Why not?” I think her boyfriend and I blurted out the same question.

“Not ready”. Okay. I think I understand.

Her boyfriend goes, “You’ll never know when you’ll be ready. Yun din naman yung pupuntahan, bat pa kelangan patagalin. We’re both in the right age.”

Hmmmn. Makes sense to me. I told my friend. “If you really love each other, then you’re ready.” Don’t raise that eyebrow on me. I’m speaking from a romantic’s perspective. Say it’s cheesy, but I abide by the love-conquers-all theory, and if there’s love, then that so-called preparation is just icing on the cake.

Then she goes, “how about stability?”

If I weren’t so engrossed with my work (really), it would have been a good topic to debate on and I knew I had a lot to say about stability. But I was busy so I ended up just saying. “Yeah, that’s a point worth noting, but it would ultimately all depend on both of you to make it work. Hey don’t you listen to me. Listen to your heart.”

To that she replied “One big step. There’s no turning back once you decide on this.”

True. I said. That’s why you should really think it over. In my head I was thinking, whatever made her think about turning back? Whatever made her consider the probability that taking that big leap might be something she might be sorry for? Once you say yes, you make a commitment.

*End of conversation*

So now I’m left contemplating again. Sometimes I think my friend and I are on the same boat. I got a proposal myself, and while my reaction was a big “haha”, in my heart, it scared the hell out of me.

Yeah, maybe I am unready as well. And yeah, I now realize that to a certain point, stability could be a major deciding factor. I mean I keep saying as long as you love each other, then waiting would be a waste of time, but at the back of my head, I knew love alone couldn’t do it.

I look at stability differently. While my friend sees it as having the finances and resources to support the wedding, mine is something to sustain the marriage. Emotional stability. You’d think it’s hypocrisy but I honestly would agree to marry someone even if he couldn’t even buy me a ring.

As long as I love him.

My concern is to be able to get over my hang-ups before taking that next big leap. I have to be intact. I can’t commit when I’m in pieces.

My hang-ups here don’t include past heartbreaks. They’re all about chasing my dreams, settling with myself. I keep explaining, almost repeatedly, that the only reason I can’t make a commitment right now is because I still want to build on my independence, try it out abroad, run after my dreams, experience standing totally on my own.

I want to live through them now so they wouldn’t be part of my “what ifs” when I grow old.

My dad warns me against wanting so much in my life. I mentioned this is in my previous post, my dad thinks that it’s okay to marry even if you don’t own a house yet, nor a car. They will come. The important part of the marriage is about struggling together, suffering together and making it work together.

He fears that by the time I’m through accomplishing all the things I want, I’ll be alone. There’ll be nobody to share them with.

My father worries because I’m turning 26 this November and wedding bells have been as still as dead for the longest time. (Well I think he’s more excited about having the first “apo” in the family.)

Even my friend Gee Anne says it would be like the song “Bituing Walang Ningning”. In the end, I’d be feeling like a lackluster star.

I want to tell that to my friend. She has to really want it, to say yes. If she can already see herself waking up with that man beside her, then it’s much easier to answer the question.

What she needs right now is a little more time. He can wait. I think this goes for me too.


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